10 August 2008

Urinal Usage

Any guy will tell you, public urinal etiquette is key to being a man. There are rules: for example, in a three slot situation, there is hardly any circumstance when using the second slot is okay. Only when the first and third are both occupied, and there isn’t an open stall. You should never take the second slot lightly, and you should never, never take the second slot when ·all three slots are open. That’s a laughable mistake for a man.
So today I found myself in a four slot public urinal situation, and the dreaded 1-4 split appeared (the first and fourth slots were occupied, and both of the stalls were taken). Now, a real expert would try to deduce which slot (first or fourth) was most likely to open up sooner. Hastily, I chose the third slot, and just as I went to unzip, the first slot opened up. So there I was, in the third slot, standing next to the guy in the fourth slot, with one AND two open. Let’s just say, I got the hell out of there as quickly as I could.
It’s pretty simple, in the end—get as far away from everyone else as possible. This is what makes the second slot usages in an open first/ third situation so regrettable. It’s like telling everyone else: You have to pee next to me. And I don’t think anyone wants that. The only people who should be allowed to take the second slot in an empty three situation are Jay-Z, George Washington, Ringo Starr, Kermit the Frog, and any of the Eagles. And, in that case, the rest of us should just queue up outside the door and wait for them to come out.
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