17 May 2011

Japanic, or wanting to knaw on the moulding

Today was one of those days where nothing seems to move forward. It's the evening and I am still in what I slept in. That's not to say I didn't get up, go to work, change, shower, work, go to the surgery, and come home. I did all those things. But it felt like I slept walked through the day, punctuated by falling asleep when I normally wouldn't sleep. Let me explain.

I got up and went to work this morning with the goal of clearing up some of the writing that is due tomorrow or Thursday ahead of a supervision meeting I have next week. Yesterday, I had 'finished' this writing, or so I thought and I rode my bicycle home happily thinking that I had ostensibly finished a chapter of my thesis. I knew this wasn't actually the case as my supervisors have a policy of not calling anything a 'chapter' of my thesis until sometime in the undefined future, but I am calling it a chapter. If it's not a literature review, I don't know what it is. Anyway, I finished this yesterday and meant to proofread it today, but as I opened up the document this morning, it became clear that what I had was okay, but it was still in need of a lot of clarifying work. Paragraphs were inconsistent and unclear. It was/is still in need of a lot work.

Deflated, I left early to meet Yoko and the girls at the surgery for our two week check-up for the inbound baby. Things are all fine, baby's heart is beating well, and our next step is having a meeting at home with the midwives to make sure everything is going to be okay for having the baby here.

I meant to come home and work for the afternoon, but I got bogged down, fell asleep in my chair with Naomi and her little friend screaming and running around the house. I got up, had dinner, fell asleep on the sofa again. Now, it's 8: Mei napped all afternoon so she won't be going to bed any time soon. I'm still feeling like I need to look at my writing more, but can't get up the energy.

This was also punctuated by what I call 'Japanic', or the sudden, claustrophobic sense I have that I need to be back in Japan and/or that I will never get back. It's often a certain place that I have a sudden urge to be. Today it was Niigata Station, walking up past Yodobashi Camera to Tully's to get a latte and meet Yoko somewhere. I daydream: I remember all the sounds. I get a cookie at Tully's because I don't think about calories in the dream. There are no kids to take care of: I have finished teaching for the week and I will go back to Yoko's apartment with her and we'll fall asleep on the floor until I get up around one or two and ride my bicycle in the dark, back across the Agano River to my apartment.

Instead? Instead I'm stuck in Bradwell Common in the UK, working on a project with no ending in sight and children screaming and crying and no cookies. No, well, there are cookies: I just can't eat them any more.
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