27 January 2012

Final Fast

My four fast goal for January has been hit. The 24 hour one is definitely best for me, skipping two meals. 6PM-6PM. Coming to the end of the fast, I had mixed emotions. The last three times, although I was pleased with myself, I was definitely ready to eat. This time, I was still definitely ready to eat, but I felt more calm about it. I broke it with an apple first and then about a half an hour later, two chicken thighs, a banana, and (probably too much) mixed salad that was heavy on broccoli. I felt good, again, not like I had binged, full and comfortable. 

This time around I had much less hunger than I had in the past. After one, really, when I started teaching, I didn't think of it at all. I was thinking about how it would be great to have a fast day where you also 'hibernate'. Spend the day in the house sitting and reading while it snowed outside. Sleep eight hours, wake for the morning, sleep for two hours in the afternoon, wake for the evening, and go to bed early. It would really reset your body, I think.

The lack of hunger was surprising, but more-so the comfortable feeling of not being concerned about what I was going to eat or if I was going to have the self-control not to eat, which was a really big issue when I first started to lose weight. I think I'm finally starting to get control over it in the sort of deeper way that I had been hoping for way back in 2009 when I started this. When I first became health conscious in 2006, it was all about losing weight, being buff, etc., but I assumed that I would be able to go back to eating the way that I did before I was health conscious. This is, unfortunately, not the course of things. All the little ways I've tried to go back and say to myself, I don't really, always have to think about what I'm eating. For me, for now? I'm not sure I'm able to. 

The good news is that getting control is so, so much easier. After two/three months (over September-December) of not paying attention to my intake, I'm back to where I was at the beginning of October in just about 19 days. More importantly, the weight I want to run the marathon at, sans about 1% of the body fat I have now. I think instead of not paying attention to my eating and still weighing myself (which I've tried in the past), I'm going to stop weighing myself and focus on what I eat. Maybe weigh myself once a week. This will, hopefully, lead to a healthy, happy 2012.

When I overeat, I feel out of control and ashamed. When I eat well (and fast in particular), I feel exactly the opposite. I feel stronger than I ever have. I feel I could run for days at a time. My heart beats 38 times a minute before bed: if that's not peace, I'm not sure what is. A strong heart: a metaphor too. If my heart beat just once a minute, think of how strong that one beat would be.

Rest my ankle for a long run on Sunday. No more struggle with self to get up and get on the road to run. It's where I belong.
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