The Weeknd mixtapes are killing me and I finally figured out why. It has something to do with where I have landed compared to where I took off, if that metaphor works... In particular, I never had a drug period in my life: it passed while I was leading Bible studies and trying to pray about things. Although I sort of don't regret this, I sort of do, particularly as a person interested, so interested, in consciousness and the body. The Weeknd mixtapes, particularly House of Balloons, seems to be all about manipulation of the body (and the bodies of others) and its cost. I suppose most hip-hop is about this in one way or another, but The Weeknd feels more self-aware of the manipulation (and, therefore as everyone says, dark!) and brilliant at embodying in the music the pragmatic action of the lyrics, if that makes sense. Like when insults are shouted, rather than whispered. You feel like I imagine that you would feel if you were 'tripping' (as the kids say) when you are listening to the music, even though I have no idea what 'tripping' actually feels like. This is all covered in the Pitchfork review. Anyway. It's good. Very, very good.
One of the problems I have recently encountered is a deluge of possible career paths in two and half countries. I've complained at times about the lack of a default option for our little family. I have been meeting with people, talking to people, sending out CVs, seeing the world through new eyes. But where to go. Yoko and the kids are sick and we have no one to really watch them, but I said to Yoko, what we need to do, is the two of us need to go to Paris for three days and talk about this and make some goddamn decisions. As it is now, I feel like we will fall into something, a decision that I will make at like 11:45 at night on the edge of a deadline and we will sleepwalk into something. We need more time in the UK after finishing the PhD to decompress and think, but it's not going to happen or will happen at the cost of £70 or £80 a day.
The body, though--sorry, let me get back to the body. If you want to be healthy, you have to pay attention to what you're putting in your mouth. End of story. I've tried to avoid this by saying in the last three months, as long as what I put in my mouth is 'healthy', I don't have to pay attention to it. Rookie mistake. I've been using Calorie Count to do something I haven't done in the past and that's pay close attention to the ratio of carbs to protein to fat I am eating. Some surprising things come to light: I eat carbs like they're nothing, and hardly eat enough fat. I want carbs to protein to fat to be something like 40% to 35% to 25%. Late stage Atkins, low carb, whatever you want to call it, but I normally, without paying attention, would be more like 65% to 15% to 20%. Fruits and vegetables, man: low calorie, but they are water, mostly. Drink water, eat protein. Or spinach cottage cheese wraps.
I'm also trying to train for this marathon and have been thinking more about what I put in me before and after I run. Part of feeling so crappy last year was not thinking about this as carefully as I needed to. Balance, it seems, is something your body requires.