11 August 2004

Big plans

One of my big plans upon returning to the fine United States of America was to read some of my old journals. In high school, these were terribly important to me, and though I've certainly kept journals since then, I haven't done so with such tenacity. Anyway, as a seventeen year-old, I was much more of an idealist than I am now, and much more interested in drinking deeply from the sap of life and love. I wrote a couple of times, "I know I'm just seventeen but..." and "In five years I'm sure I'll read this and think..." Seventeen year-old me was a much more emotional version of myself which I guess is hard to imagine as I am still a pretty emotional person. Lots of poetry about walls bleeding, people bleeding, and love trumping all.

If I had seventeen minutes with seventeen year-old me, I think I might put my arm around him and say, "Big guy, I admire your tenacity, really I do, and I'm not going to tell you to stop doing what you're doing because I'm sure I couldn't get you to change anything even if I tried. But you know what? You gotta loosen the grip on everything. Because you seventeen year-old me, you are in control of nothing in your life. And though you'd like to think you are, you aren't. You're young and stupid like everyone else. So here, read this literature about Japan."

I don't know what seventeen year-old me would do. I think he'd sulk and write, "These bleeding two hands, your heart, my love, a giant black orgasim of reckless wonderment that sullies these glossy photos of the land of the rising (set) sun."

I hope twenty-seven year-old Stephen will visit me and set me straight about some stuff.

Tonight I talked in church about Japan and just rambled for about 15 minutes. I think I said what I wanted to say and shared what I needed to. I left the service early to hang out with Ana. I've been enjoying seeing people, one-by-one. It's wonderful. I've been fortunate enough to know so many incredible people in my life. I think I'll continue to feel this way all three weeks.