05 October 2010

One month

I passed a simple milestone today, one month of maintaining between 74-76 kgs. Basically, I'm trying to get to a point where I am even. I'm still dropping a little weight, like .2-.3 kgs the last couple of weeks. This is fine with me: I wouldn't mind having my rolling average closer to 74 than 76. But it's a victory.

A victory in an otherwise unfortunate week so far. I have gotten little done, been mostly unproductive and that's entirely my fault. The rejection this morning didn't help, but it only took me about two hours to get over it. Yes, the comments were right: the problem with the article was the article. I need to do better next time: that doesn't mean that I'm a failure, it just means I'm not at that level yet. And that's fine. I don't need to be at that level for about three years. The fact that I thought I could get there earlier than that reflects poorly on my pride. So.

Eating is still miserable. I am constantly worried about it. I went to a potluck today and I spent the whole time trying not to eat too much. I did okay in the end, ate about 1,100 kCals, which although more than I planned on, happened in the middle of the day so I can eat less for dinner and have no problem. But I couldn't enjoy myself: I had part of me saying, don't worry about it, you'll make it up later and another part of me saying, you know you won't, if you eat too much it will be the beginning of going back to where you were. It's just so damn frustrating. I'm finding myself trying to avoid instances where I know there will be food. Tomorrow, we have a cake reception for the new students that I have to go to. We'll see if I'm able to have one piece and stop. I'm not sure where the balance between obsession and a healthy lifestyle is. I'd much rather be dieting or not caring. In between is impossible.

This week, Yoko and I are going on a 'date'. A 'date', I'm told, is when two people go out without their kids to eat and enjoy one another's company. Yoko and I have never left both of the girls with a non-relative, but we have recently secured a babysitter. Two actually, two people willing to watch the kids. So we are going to leave for about two hours on Friday afternoon to have lunch together. I can't actually believe it.