Is it just me, or do I have a bit of a Benjamin Buttons thing going on?
Well, I mean minus the three kids and wife, of course.
15 June 2011
Tiny Beer
A while back, I discovered this great French beer Brasserie at Aldi. Well, great in the sense that it comes in a 25cl bottle, a perfect size for someone not wanting to get killed on the empty kCals in drinks, beer in particular. Love the taste, not the kCals. Although it is hard to get buzzed on one of these, you gotta make a trade-off between your weight and the feeling of being a little bit above everything.
Human, All Too Human, Day 2
508Human, All too Human
We like to be out in nature so much because it has no opinion of us.
A Month of Nietzsche
14 June 2011
Human, All too Human, Day 1
As I slip into my 29th year, surrounded by the birth of another daughter and my PhD, I have been draw to the shorter quotes in Nietzsche's Human, All Too Human. So, after the limited success of my month of Walker Evans, I give you a month of Nietzsche. Some quotes are good, some are not so good, and some are great. I hope to represent a good mix here. Don't worry, I will avoid racist and sexist extracts, although I do recognise, as one always must when quoting Nietzsche, his more pernicious tendencies. I don't think this negates his writing: as I said when I first started reading him in the summer of 2009: Nietzsche put his finger on the problem, not the solution. So. Here we go:
A Month of Nietzsche
489Human, All too Human
People who comprehend a matter in all its depth seldom remain true to it forever. For they have brought its depths to the light; and there is always much to see about it that is bad.
A Month of Nietzsche
13 June 2011
The kind of person I am
- Read visa site
- Get cross
- Read more news about visas
- Got crosser
- Think, there's gotta be something I can do
- Google MP's (member of parliament) name
- Send cordial e-mail to staff member
- Get meeting 8 July at 4pm with MP
Well. That's something, I suppose. Now, I just have to decide what I'm going to say.
12 June 2011
Epic Meal Time
After eating too much yesterday, I'm trying to overcome, working on making the most epic salad ever.
Summer Lettuce
Red Kidney Beans
Cider Vinegar
Handful of cous-cous
Jamacian Tabasco
Two slices of ham
Cucumber
Tomatoes
Red Pepper
Italian spices
Half a slice of toast
Raisins
Just about 300 kCals, I think.
Red Kidney Beans
Cider Vinegar
Handful of cous-cous
Jamacian Tabasco
Two slices of ham
Cucumber
Tomatoes
Red Pepper
Italian spices
Half a slice of toast
Raisins
Just about 300 kCals, I think.
11 months
of healthy living under my belt. This month was okay. Ate too much yesterday (a date with Yoko that ended with me drinking Irish coffee). Had a massive drop after my day in Lancaster (no water in the body). Otherwise, I did okay. Even enough. I decided that essentially my goal is to keep my highs under 72 kgs. If I go over 72 kgs, I will take evasive actions. Otherwise, let the good times roll. Although I do need to start eating in a way that gives me energy all of the time. This last week I really struggled with my energy. Hopefully I can up my caloric intake to match my output and get my body to start burning the energy it's using instead of trying to slow me down.
10 June 2011
Stability in the system
I know this moment of stability is about to be blown open by a tiny, screaming baby, but for other reasons, I have been a little bit off balance today.
When I got done with my presentation, I came into town in Lancaster and expected to spend the 6 to 8pm period in McDonalds, enjoying Wifi and chicken salad. I was able to do this for about 30 minutes before a woman told me that I needed to move: she was closing the first floor section where I was and although I could go downstairs, I had to move. This should have been no problem, but I made a mistake and packed up instead of staying.
I was still hungry after eating at McDonald's, but at McDonald's the Internet had distracted me enough that I wasn't thinking about it. Out on the street though, I was very hungry, ravenously so. Knowing, as I do, exactly how many kilocalories I had already consumed, I was a bit concerned that I was going to eat too much, but it got to the point that I just had to eat. I got a sandwich and some other stuff, enough to keep me under my limit for the day, but right at the limit. I ate ravenously and was still hungry.
A metaphor, of course: being hungry is a metaphor. Yesterday was the highest I had been in a while insofar as getting what I wanted. I had been successful, but that only meant that this thing that had been consuming me for the last week or so had moved into a new, more difficult stage and although I had achieved something that was for me, quite significant, I was realising that I wasn't going to be able to explain how big of a deal it was (for me at least) and that I had probably gotten all the satisfaction I would from it. The next day would be another set of challenges and it would mean nothing. My train was still two hours from leaving, if the train were coming at least I would be able to get away, be able to fall asleep for a couple of hours, but it was like being in suspended animation. Nowhere to go and all the shops had already closed. I went to the station, had another cup of coffee, was still hungry.
I got up this morning and weighed myself, thinking that I felt empty. I was. Still though, no satisfaction. It didn't mean I could eat more because I knew that all I had done was drive all the moisture out of my body from walking the day before. But what I wanted really was to sit and eat and eat and eat until I couldn't eat anymore. I wanted, if I'm honest, to binge: eat a whole cake. A whole package of Oreos. What a trap, I thought to myself: I suppose this is the moment you learn to be healthy like when you run a long distance and it doesn't count, nothing you do counts until the third hour. And then you push the limit, you improve, you become better. I have been in this place before, I thought, and need more than anything to stay the course continue on in equilibrium instead of giving in. Eat, yes, but don't lie to yourself about what eating can do for you.
I got on my bike and rode to work, made a claim for my train ticket yesterday, talked to my colleague who knew that I had been in Lancaster and how much it meant to me, ate a very early lunch and realised I wasn't making any progress. I decided to leave my bike at work and walk home. Walking would cure this. I walked over the football pitch behind the university and was struck by how suddenly tired I was. I got to the edge of the pitch and threw down my bags and fell asleep on the ground. A moment of stability.
For some reason, the sounds of the cars in the distance sounded like the past to me. Like America. Why was I remembering America suddenly--what memory was this? I was, as you are when you sleep on a cloudy day outside, slipping in and out of different levels of consciousness. Just on the edge of deep sleep, but still, the cars in the distance.
The story ends there, laid out on the football pitch, trying to shake the weight of the world. A baby is coming any day now. I had sat on the sofa in the morning with Mei as she watched a DVD and I told Yoko about my trip. Naomi came down and hugged me. She needs to get school uniforms for the first time. Already, I thought, as she crawled onto my lap and looked in my eyes: already we have had a fifth of our time together. You're a little girl now, you need school uniforms.
But don't you know you can't grow up before me? I need to beat you to adulthood. Promise me you won't catch up with me too soon.
When I got done with my presentation, I came into town in Lancaster and expected to spend the 6 to 8pm period in McDonalds, enjoying Wifi and chicken salad. I was able to do this for about 30 minutes before a woman told me that I needed to move: she was closing the first floor section where I was and although I could go downstairs, I had to move. This should have been no problem, but I made a mistake and packed up instead of staying.
I was still hungry after eating at McDonald's, but at McDonald's the Internet had distracted me enough that I wasn't thinking about it. Out on the street though, I was very hungry, ravenously so. Knowing, as I do, exactly how many kilocalories I had already consumed, I was a bit concerned that I was going to eat too much, but it got to the point that I just had to eat. I got a sandwich and some other stuff, enough to keep me under my limit for the day, but right at the limit. I ate ravenously and was still hungry.
A metaphor, of course: being hungry is a metaphor. Yesterday was the highest I had been in a while insofar as getting what I wanted. I had been successful, but that only meant that this thing that had been consuming me for the last week or so had moved into a new, more difficult stage and although I had achieved something that was for me, quite significant, I was realising that I wasn't going to be able to explain how big of a deal it was (for me at least) and that I had probably gotten all the satisfaction I would from it. The next day would be another set of challenges and it would mean nothing. My train was still two hours from leaving, if the train were coming at least I would be able to get away, be able to fall asleep for a couple of hours, but it was like being in suspended animation. Nowhere to go and all the shops had already closed. I went to the station, had another cup of coffee, was still hungry.
I got up this morning and weighed myself, thinking that I felt empty. I was. Still though, no satisfaction. It didn't mean I could eat more because I knew that all I had done was drive all the moisture out of my body from walking the day before. But what I wanted really was to sit and eat and eat and eat until I couldn't eat anymore. I wanted, if I'm honest, to binge: eat a whole cake. A whole package of Oreos. What a trap, I thought to myself: I suppose this is the moment you learn to be healthy like when you run a long distance and it doesn't count, nothing you do counts until the third hour. And then you push the limit, you improve, you become better. I have been in this place before, I thought, and need more than anything to stay the course continue on in equilibrium instead of giving in. Eat, yes, but don't lie to yourself about what eating can do for you.
I got on my bike and rode to work, made a claim for my train ticket yesterday, talked to my colleague who knew that I had been in Lancaster and how much it meant to me, ate a very early lunch and realised I wasn't making any progress. I decided to leave my bike at work and walk home. Walking would cure this. I walked over the football pitch behind the university and was struck by how suddenly tired I was. I got to the edge of the pitch and threw down my bags and fell asleep on the ground. A moment of stability.
For some reason, the sounds of the cars in the distance sounded like the past to me. Like America. Why was I remembering America suddenly--what memory was this? I was, as you are when you sleep on a cloudy day outside, slipping in and out of different levels of consciousness. Just on the edge of deep sleep, but still, the cars in the distance.
The story ends there, laid out on the football pitch, trying to shake the weight of the world. A baby is coming any day now. I had sat on the sofa in the morning with Mei as she watched a DVD and I told Yoko about my trip. Naomi came down and hugged me. She needs to get school uniforms for the first time. Already, I thought, as she crawled onto my lap and looked in my eyes: already we have had a fifth of our time together. You're a little girl now, you need school uniforms.
But don't you know you can't grow up before me? I need to beat you to adulthood. Promise me you won't catch up with me too soon.
New Buckle
I bought this buckle online the other other day, missing the fact that it was a 'women's' buckle. It didn't look that sparkly online. It was quite sparkly.
No matter, I drilled out most stones. Looks older, more worn. Problem solved.
I ultimately took at the stones out, even the ones in the middle.
09 June 2011
Plan A, or why I was in Lancaster
A moment of stability in the system: I am walking down the hill from Lancaster University.
You might recall a couple of months ago I was talking about doing a postdoc and then talking about how it wasn't going to work out and then... god, I don't know where I last landed. It's been up and down. Anyway, I made this list about possibilities a while back, and you'll recall that one of the possibilities was:
I say best: it's the best for me becoming... well, something in the academic world. There are easier paths and ones that would lead to more money quickly. But in the multiverse, the universe in which I have the potential to become an editor of a well-known journal, a professor at a good university in the UK, famous among a small group of applied linguists, author of several books... That universe takes this path. The other universes go different ways. Require different things.
You might recall a couple of months ago I was talking about doing a postdoc and then talking about how it wasn't going to work out and then... god, I don't know where I last landed. It's been up and down. Anyway, I made this list about possibilities a while back, and you'll recall that one of the possibilities was:
- Good case scenario: I don't get the [postdoc] grant, but am able to find other means of funding and/or the university takes me on to do some other work.
I actually had misjudged this as a 'good' case scenario and not 'best' because I didn't take into account that
- this would be a job with a Tier 2 (working) visa,
- it would last 2 years and not 1,
- it would involve collaborating with well-known researchers and potentially getting some joint publications, and
- it would position me much better for a teaching position at the end because I would have a full three years to look for work.
Well, this scenario seems to have worked out, or at least the potential for it has worked out. As I was in Lancaster to give my talk on antagonism on YouTube, I was also meeting with a couple of professors I quite respect and hope to do some collaborative work with. The result of the meeting was that we decided to make an application for funding in which they would be the Primary Investigators, and I would be a named research assistant, meaning that if we win the bid, I will work for the project for 18-24 months as a researcher, doing some teaching there and at Birmingham (as I have up to now), and working on my own research. Really, the best Plan A.
I say best: it's the best for me becoming... well, something in the academic world. There are easier paths and ones that would lead to more money quickly. But in the multiverse, the universe in which I have the potential to become an editor of a well-known journal, a professor at a good university in the UK, famous among a small group of applied linguists, author of several books... That universe takes this path. The other universes go different ways. Require different things.
Now, it's certainly not a given: we have to apply and win the bid. I have to finish my PhD on time and get a visa. But the acceptance rate for these bids is closer to 15% (much better than postdocs or jobs) and likely higher considering the calibre of the professors I'm applying with and the very high calibre of the linguistics department in Lancaster (Numero uno, baby) as well as being the heart of critical approaches to discourse analysis (Marx, Foucault, etc.). Getting the visa should also be less difficult. Even if we don't get the funding, I will be working with people who are good to work with. And the fact that they are interested in me and my work can only be a good sign.
Again, far, far from a given, but... Am I excited? Uh, yeah. Yeah I am.
08 June 2011
Finances, funding, the future, and a plan to succeed
Every so often I get the feeling that I need to get a global picture of the family finances.
06 June 2011
Two New rules
- New rule: I am going to take a picture of the receipt of every major purchase (over £20) I make. Kettle button broke this weekend, still under warranty, no receipt. Being, however, my father's son, I called the company, complained, and they said if I send it up to them in Manchester they'll fix/replace it. Loss of maybe £4, I guess, but better than having to buy a new one. UPDATED: Turns out I DID save the receipt and could return it at the store! Great!
- New rule: I gotta do something about my tendency to think about everything in terms of structure. Perhaps this is related to marking when I see the structure of an essay and can tell if it is going to be effective or not. Anyway, it's been happening when I watch films: I tend to play at 2x parts of the film in which I know what will happen and at 4x parts that are just montages of things like weddings. I got Up in the Air from Lovefilm for some reason, and watched the whole thing in like a half hour. Okay, this is the conversation where they get interested in each other, here is where they go to the party and character X lets her hair down for the first time. Here's the scene where Clooney's character starts to realise the way he's living his life is not fulfilling. Blah, blah, blah. I cancelled Lovefilm this morning, not sure how to explain the problem to the guy on the other end. 'I think too structurally, I can't enjoy most films any more and I don't have time to search out good independent things to watch.' 'You don't enjoy films, sir?' 'Well, I mean, I don't have the time. That's it, I don't have the time.'
Ayn Rand, the Republicans, and the Evangelicals
On some level, if you believe in free market and/or Libertarian principles, you will probably have been influenced by Ayn Rand. BBC2 is doing a great series called, 'All Watched Over by Machines of Loving Grace' which is another great Adam Curtis documentary. The first episode was all about... well, a lot of things, but it really focused on the influence of Ayn Rand in Conservative (big 'C') thinking in the States (or in the BBC documentary, 'thinking in the States'), particularly the notions of individual 'responsibility'.
Now, Objectivism is a godless, selfish philosophy, that's obvious. The Republican party, though run by godless, selfish people (like the Democratic party, let's be fair), gets its bread and butter from a religious base who have no idea what Objectivism is, but do think that Jesus said somewhere in the Bible, 'God helps those who help themselves'. Faith is a veneer because they basically hold most of the main tenets of Objectivism, just with some judeo-Christian myth mixed in (Hey, you have to take personal responsibility for your sins and accept Jesus as your personal lord and saviour. None of this Catholic, we're-all-in-the-same-boat funny business.) What happens when these two explicitly things interact? This happens:
The problem, Americanvalues.net, is that one of the 'values' that you have is 'personal responsibility' and that 'personal responsibility' is a dog whistle for Objectivism. Once you start to say, We want all the philosophy of Objectivism that we like, only with Jesus, you sort of run into a wall. Because Objectivism requires that there be no Jesus, and Jesus requires that you go out and start caring about other people, even to your own detriment (well, at least in theory...) So. What is a good Republican to do?
Well, if you're a godless Objectivist who wants to rule the world, you get someone like Sarah Palin, I guess, who has the face of Christianity, the philosophy of Ayn Rand, and the hubris to be unable to recognise that the two are in conflict with each other. Then you manipulate her (easy enough) and you get what you want.
If you're a Republican on the ground? Well, I guess you can't really think about how much of a conflict there is between these two ideas, can you? That's not a problem though, especially if you're talented at cognitive dissonance anyway... But how do you, if you think about it, just keep taking these people (Ron Paul, Rand Paul, Donald Trump, etc.) at their word that they are Bible-believing Christians?
Come to think of it, most of the Christians that influenced me growing up were walking contradictions when it came to this: free market Objectivists in political philosophy; truly empathetic, loving people in their religious philosophy. And none of them talking about the conflict between the two.
But wouldn't a budget based on Biblical principles, particularly the book of Luke, look pretty Liberal? How, Faithinpubliclife, would it be different than what Paul Ryan wants? I thought you wanted the same things: small government, more personal responsibility. Or do you really want what George Bush (a more sellable, smarter version of Sarah Palin) gave you: all the talk of Christianity with all the philosophy of Ayn Rand...
It's a tough situation and makes you admire Reagan even more for getting the Evangelicals to trust him...
Fascinating, though. Fascinating. Episode Three tonight!
Now, Objectivism is a godless, selfish philosophy, that's obvious. The Republican party, though run by godless, selfish people (like the Democratic party, let's be fair), gets its bread and butter from a religious base who have no idea what Objectivism is, but do think that Jesus said somewhere in the Bible, 'God helps those who help themselves'. Faith is a veneer because they basically hold most of the main tenets of Objectivism, just with some judeo-Christian myth mixed in (Hey, you have to take personal responsibility for your sins and accept Jesus as your personal lord and saviour. None of this Catholic, we're-all-in-the-same-boat funny business.) What happens when these two explicitly things interact? This happens:
The problem, Americanvalues.net, is that one of the 'values' that you have is 'personal responsibility' and that 'personal responsibility' is a dog whistle for Objectivism. Once you start to say, We want all the philosophy of Objectivism that we like, only with Jesus, you sort of run into a wall. Because Objectivism requires that there be no Jesus, and Jesus requires that you go out and start caring about other people, even to your own detriment (well, at least in theory...) So. What is a good Republican to do?
Well, if you're a godless Objectivist who wants to rule the world, you get someone like Sarah Palin, I guess, who has the face of Christianity, the philosophy of Ayn Rand, and the hubris to be unable to recognise that the two are in conflict with each other. Then you manipulate her (easy enough) and you get what you want.
If you're a Republican on the ground? Well, I guess you can't really think about how much of a conflict there is between these two ideas, can you? That's not a problem though, especially if you're talented at cognitive dissonance anyway... But how do you, if you think about it, just keep taking these people (Ron Paul, Rand Paul, Donald Trump, etc.) at their word that they are Bible-believing Christians?
Come to think of it, most of the Christians that influenced me growing up were walking contradictions when it came to this: free market Objectivists in political philosophy; truly empathetic, loving people in their religious philosophy. And none of them talking about the conflict between the two.
But wouldn't a budget based on Biblical principles, particularly the book of Luke, look pretty Liberal? How, Faithinpubliclife, would it be different than what Paul Ryan wants? I thought you wanted the same things: small government, more personal responsibility. Or do you really want what George Bush (a more sellable, smarter version of Sarah Palin) gave you: all the talk of Christianity with all the philosophy of Ayn Rand...
It's a tough situation and makes you admire Reagan even more for getting the Evangelicals to trust him...
Fascinating, though. Fascinating. Episode Three tonight!
05 June 2011
21 Days
Baby coming in 21 days. Midwife came over yesterday to check the house for the home birth: everything checked out. Once we hit tomorrow (37 weeks) then we can have the baby at home. I will head out this afternoon to buy painters plastic: it's what you have to buy. And then we wait. I have my presentation at Lancaster on Thursday which is really the last big, important thing that needs to get done before the birth. If we can make it until then, I will be happy. We'll make it until then, I'm sure. Yoko's mom will come on 17 June and then everything will be in place.
I'm actually doing something more than just giving a presentation in Lancaster, related to all the post-doc drama. I'll have more to say on Friday, I think. I hope. Until then, though, I'll just say that I'm giving a presentation.
Mia will be Mia: 美安 by the way. Each of those characters is a separate link. Check it out.
I have been marking this weekend. Marked a lot, very, very quickly. I was trying avoid doing it on the weekend, but they came on Friday so I didn't really have a choice. I have another couple coming tomorrow, I think, which is good for the coin purse. Being able to do them quickly though, is really great. I'm at about 40-45 minutes from start to finish right now. At 30 mins for some of them. I'm also saving them now based on the number of the essay so that I can go back and see common comments made. I had 4 people answering the same question this time and they all essentially wrote the same essay. So it was very quick work. More money, more problems though, right?
No. Money solves problems.
I'm actually doing something more than just giving a presentation in Lancaster, related to all the post-doc drama. I'll have more to say on Friday, I think. I hope. Until then, though, I'll just say that I'm giving a presentation.
Mia will be Mia: 美安 by the way. Each of those characters is a separate link. Check it out.
I have been marking this weekend. Marked a lot, very, very quickly. I was trying avoid doing it on the weekend, but they came on Friday so I didn't really have a choice. I have another couple coming tomorrow, I think, which is good for the coin purse. Being able to do them quickly though, is really great. I'm at about 40-45 minutes from start to finish right now. At 30 mins for some of them. I'm also saving them now based on the number of the essay so that I can go back and see common comments made. I had 4 people answering the same question this time and they all essentially wrote the same essay. So it was very quick work. More money, more problems though, right?
No. Money solves problems.
01 June 2011
Endgame
L had the courage to post her's, here's mine. Let's get this thing done on time.
I say courage because these things are likely to change and the changes might embarrass one down the line: 'This is what I thought I was going to do? N00b.' My supervisory team also seems to frown on these sorts of practices, but I find them useful. Anyway, I am already realising one mistake: I will need to submit my final draft one more time to my supervisors before they approve it for 'official' submission, meaning that the end date will likely become what I want to avoid: 30 September 2012. Nature of the beast, I guess.
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