16 January 2012

When things fall apart

The house, consumed in illness, fevers (perhaps Scarlet Fever?), and crying, feels less like a refuge.

I'm sleepwalking again, metaphorically, not literally. Reading Murakami before bed will do that. Crying children in the night will do that. They cry for mommy though, never daddy. Yoko is up and caring for them, despite being ill herself. Why haven't I been ill? Am I not close (metonymy) enough to the children? I don't know. I'm at work again, though--the thesis, the thesis, the thesis.

Things are falling/have fallen apart as far as my future plans go. The funding bid I wrote is not going to get in on time to be considered in March. It will be pushed back to June, putting me in an awkward position of now having to look for work before knowing the outcome of the bid. If the bid goes through and I find work, fine: I'll do it as part of my research at a new job. If I don't find work, I will be tempted to wait to hear about the bid, but that could drag on, hurting my potential to get good work in 2013. I don't know. I'm lost--Plan A is not going to happen, on to Plan B.

It's also become clear that any way you look at it, getting and holding a visa in this country is going to be extremely difficult from here on out. The Lancaster post is probably the only job where I can see it being relatively easy. Other than that, there isn't anything. Even if I do get the post at Lancaster, it will only be for 18 months and I'll be in the same place in a year and half. Maybe the government will change? I doubt it.

Looking at a removal company website I realise that, in some time, I will not find myself struggling with whether to use 'removal' or 'move' any more. England, what have I given you? You've given me so much, and now you don't want anything from me. I calculated it, I cost you more than £100,000. Free cash money I got for doing nothing except improve myself. It was like the lottery. It's like the lottery. And now I put all my things on a boat, my family on a plane and return to the exact same life I had in Japan four years ago? Like waking from a dream--where was I, was I sleeping: where are all the strange people with strange accents and lager beer?

I feel like rolling the dice again, trying something else, but what that other thing is, no one knows. Is it the States? Do I really see myself in the suburbs of some large metropolitan area with a car whisking me from island to island of civilization, the inbetween area all asphalt and interstate highways? Do I try a new country?

Loss of control in one area is balanced by control over my body again: running regularly will do that. Weighing food will do that. I feel healthy, much healthier than I did 4 weeks ago. 8 weeks ago. I think I am learning where my sweet spot is as far as caloric intake, body weight, and exercise is. The trick now is, of course, to maintain it.

Yoko's birthday will wash away all our sins, I hope. More later. The thesis, the thesis, the thesis.