18 June 2012

I want to blog

I want to blog, but as I start, Outlook informs me I have a new e-mail:
Thank you for your application for the above job.  After careful consideration I regret to inform you that you have not been shortlisted for this job and we will not be proceeding with your application.
I want to blog, but there is so much to do otherwise. Until 10 July? 20 July? 3 August? Those are my last three deadlines for thesis chapters (and first draft of whole thing), but I know these numbers are negotiable. I sense, although I am resisting with everything in my being, that my 3 August deadline will become 31 August. This extension would only mean another two weeks tacked on to my final deadline, but it would feel like more failing. I feel like such a failure at this point, how much more failure can a guy endure.

I haven't failed that much.

It took me everything I could to get out of bed today to run. I have three weeks until the half marathon, but the training has just been a head fake for me to run and stay healthy. Today was that moment during training when you either keep going or you quit. I got out and ran my six miles despite everything telling me to not go. I needed to run six miles today, mostly because the last two times I ran (on Saturday and Sunday) I was exhausted and I had to walk (walk?!) a bit on Saturday when my left leg fell asleep. I felt, again, like such a failure.

Today, however, I made it through the whole run. I didn't get out at 5AM like I wanted, but I got out and in the rain, none-the-less.

I said to the famed older brother on the last night we were in Minneapolis and getting into the car to go buy a pacifier for his daughter, 'I just want you to know that if we die tonight, I really had a good time hanging out with you this last week.' I said this in jest because it was raining very hard, but it was true: being at home with my family, surrounded by family for ten days, reminded me how important family is. And everyone is old enough to not argue recklessly, something that used to be a problem in the early twenties. Now, we have a much more... gentle interaction. Everyone. Don't talk politics and don't throw stones: this is the best advice Radiohead has ever given me. And I include religion in 'politics'. It's a lower-case 'p' after all.

Yesterday was Father's Day: Yoko and the girls gave me some coffee beans and we went to Starbucks. Seeing as I procured an iPad recently, I made Yoko promise not to get me anything else for my birthday or Father's Day. The iPad is enough. I was talking about it again yesterday and Yoko was like, 'You're still looking for reasons to buy it, aren't you?' and I was. I am. It has met and exceeded my expectations, like the Saddleback bag. It always feels good to buy something expensive and then have it be better than what you wanted. The iPad is certainly that: I got a nice case too and have a good screen protector coming. The whole shabang. But still. It'll be about $500 altogether in the end and that's a lot of dollars.

I promise a post about turning 30 eventually. But really, all I want next year (and for the whole of my thirties) is to be a better father and improve my posture. That's all.